German scientists devise ground breaking application of blockchain

A dorky scientist in front of a digital screen
Schweinehundfurzstadt, Germany - A multi-disciplinary team of computer scientists, physicists, meteorologists, biologists and other ologists from the German University of Schweinehundfurzstadt have announced they are a pig-dog's hair away from reaching a breakthrough - the world's first blockchain encoded and traced farts. The digital technology which has for years powered everything from ponzi scheme crypto-currencies to one-night-stand smart contracts, is now boldly spreading to the "phygital" realm. 

"I always felt very angry when frivolous people would fart silently, without revealing their true origins. Sneaky little buggers", said Dr Üwe Sheisenfrei, the Dean of Computer Science. "With our technology, everyone will be able to trace all farts and their complete lineage to the originator. No more Silent Schultzes."

"More importantly", quipped Prof Dr Helga Stinkendhintern from the meteorology department, "the blockchain methodology will allow us to track in real-time the levels of human methane emissions in the atmosphere and with our GPU-accelerated deep learning AI models we'll be able to accurately predict the impact on the greenhouse effects and ultimately the climate change. It's nothing short of revolutionary."

The professor of bio-chemo-physics Prof Dr Dr Kant Pfeiss also expressed great pride in the invention: "We have combined best-of-breed software and advanced IR spectroscopy hardware and made something truly magical. If don't get a Nobel prize we're voting neo-nazis in. Let's see who wins the war this time. Your move, Oslo."

Within minutes of the announcement, the Bitcoin price flash melted up, flash crashed and then what's called in the industry "double-flash up town funked up" before stabilizing at USD 9,700 per KB. US President Donald Trump reacted on the news with a late night tweet "I love these bitblocks. They are great. I bought them for Melania when they cost peanuts and now they're worth billions. She still wears them. And these Germans are super smart - their project looks yuge! Oh, I'm half German!"

The German university has just filed a patent for the invention. Whilst there are rumours of Larry Page, Sergei Grin and Elon Musk approaching the university with interest to acquire the patent, the research team still maintains that the technology will be royalty free. "No, we are not doing this for any monetary rewards", stated Professor Scheisenfrei, "Our goal as researchers is to build ground-breaking solutions for the betterment of the whole human kind."


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